Office of the Big Brother  ·  Cape Town  ·  Est. when Lucan was born
Ref: NO · COOPER · 001
★ Official Communiqué ★

Lucan is Baas. Cooper is Naar.

WAHAHAHA. You can't get with my sister, Cooper. Jy weet mos. Take a seat, my bru — this one has been posted on the internet, which means it's permanent, which means the whole of Cape Town can read it and your mother.

Read the Reasons ↓

Proudly Bo-Kaap certified · every colour on this page is a colour somebody's tannie painted their house. Ons is mos maar so.

The Verdict

Two men. One legend.

The committee sat. The committee braaied. The committee reached a unanimous decision before the coals were even grey.

Status: Certified

Lucan
is Baas

Baas is not a job title, it's a state of being — and Lucan was born in it, like a lamb in a kraal.

  • Braaied a whole sheep and it was still juicy in the middle.
  • Dropped the beat at the 21st and the DJ asked him for a turn.
  • Owns a bakkie and a plan. Rare combination, that.
  • Has never once lost a game of maaikie on his own stoep.
  • Answers the phone with "Hosh" and everyone relaxes.
NAAR
Status: Naar

Cooper
is Naar

Naar. Proper naar. The kind of naar that makes the whole house quiet when he walks in and hungry when he leaves.

  • Complains about the pap, then asks for a second plate.
  • Has a "plan" that has never once survived a Tuesday.
  • Calls it a "quick visit" and stays for four days.
  • Asked for my sister's number. In a voice note.
  • Still owes me R50 from 2019 and dodges me like the taxman.
0
Lucan · Baas Points
0
Cooper · Chances With My Sister
0
Times Cooper Has Taken No For An Answer

Filling In The Gaps

"Ya bra, you won't ever get with my sister because…"

Here it is. Every gap, filled in. No blank spaces left for interpretation, Cooper. Read them out loud if it helps them sink in.

Laugh‑O‑Meter™

0

Registered laughs at Cooper's chances. Warning: this meter has never once gone down.

Cooper, try again?

You may appeal. The appeal is processed instantly, fairly, and by a machine that has already decided.

Terms & Conditions

The legal part.

Drafted by a lawyer who was also laughing. Admissible in the court of the stoep.

This is a joke. Cooper is, by all accounts, a perfectly decent ou — just not for this particular vacancy.
The sister holds all rights, including the right to say no for absolutely no reason at all, and the right to change her mind either way.
"Baas" does not transfer by inheritance, marriage, or by standing next to Lucan at a braai hoping it rubs off.
Appeals must be submitted in person, with meat you bought yourself, and must be braaied to a standard the committee deems edible. History suggests this will go badly.
No refunds, no retries, no "just one coffee." Coffee is how it starts. We know how it starts.
Reading this page twice does not improve your position. Reading it five times makes it worse, and that is now on the record.